Friday, February 24, 2006

Should we stay friends with an ex?

Ahh! The Ex. What can we all say about the subject? Plenty I'm sure.

Some believe that remaining friends with the Ex is the way to go while others think that its certainly not good for the ego and/or self image. I definitely belong to the latter group. This is possibly because I have seen 'friendships' with exes go really, really bad especially when one partner finds a new romance and I have personally experienced it as well.

I happen to think that an ex and a current partner make strange bedfellows - especially when you're caught in the middle! Besides, an ex knows secrets about you and this is a dangerous thing... Guys, your ex is the girl who saw you weep when a CGI of a Giant Ape (also known by the rather ridiculous name of King Kong) fell to his death from the Empire State Building in a movie. Girls, how can you 'safely' remain friends with someone who can tell everyone you know that your secret talent is the ability to stuff an entire roti canai in your mouth while humming the tune from Jaws (Husband's ex can actually do this!).

If we're really honest with ourselves, we'll admit that if the friendship ever goes awry, as friendships sometimes do, an ex has enough dirt on us to bury us alive with this kind of 'reputation-ruining' information. Rarely (if ever) is a broken romance fertile ground for friendship to bloom - that's what I think anyway..

The column tomorrow is all about this issue. The Ex - friendship material or better left in the past? What do you think?


Anonymous said...

I am not entirely sure that i agree with you here. Personally, I go for the let's be friends, but only when the realtionship and the spark fizzled out rather than who cheated on who etc etc.

All your personal indiosyncracies will eventually come out and, heck, it's actually really hysterically funny. Have you taken out your diary that you wrote when you were ten? or even school work and love letters and just cringe, but laugh from the bottom of your stomach...

we all have our weird moments, and i think people will be less stressed and enjoy life a whole lot more, if only they can laugh about themselves.. actually in exactly the same way that you do about yourself, trish... food for thought eh?

Khaliz said...


personally i have to say that being a "normal-friends" is a no no..why?

well..akward and hurtful..

Aku Di Sini said...

don't let the ex keep in touch with your lover...i still want my ex very much!

Anonymous said...

Well, no doubt that THE EX is better off in the past but still when a relationship just happens to fizzle out (like yours sincerely), you might be wondering about the IF factor.. Things like IF we worked to keep this thing going for us more and IF this and that...
I can seriously say that being friends with the EX can be fun IF we can fully keep our big mouths shut (that includes our ability to compare) at the right moment and say the right stuff... Yes it takes practice, courage and self confidence (plenty of it!) to be able to over come this particular phase in our lives. Am proud to say I do have at least 1 ex who is now my best guy friend! ;)

Anonymous said... my be friends with my Ex is a no no!Why???Coz he cheated on me over another and still asks me to be his friend??!!how weird is that?seriously, that guy that i once dated have some issues!to be at the safe side, just get yourself out completely, FAST!

melvin said...

No. Definitely NO. At least not in my case. Everyone wishes to think they have the most unique and serious problem, but I did go through some hell with my last relationship. It was a classic case. Put it simply, I tried VERY HARD to be friends thereafter but couldn't. I just couldn't.

Gist is, it didn't end smoothly. To make a long story short, I admitted that I do have some problems I need to work on myself. She gave me her word to wait on me and pull through it together. A "truce" was made. I arranged wonderful plans for the next few months for us. She agreed to overcome her shortcomings. Everything was good until she just finally decided to call it off. And guess what, she kept me hanging for close to a month before killing it. No communication during then. Just kept me at arms length, hell, light years distance, so to speak. Just a cruel incisive termination, leaving me speechless. Strangely, she changed very much. Wasn't herself. She was cold, sarcastic, ridiculous and downright mean...

Now, be realistic. Be empathatic. You like someone so very much and willing to give your all. She promised to stick with it, while attempt to work out the differences. She's happy. You're happy. Good. Then, she wakes up one fine day to decide otherwise. Keep you off for a month. Treats you coldly and refuse to talk about it. She wanted a so called "time for myself" (BS, guys, when girls say that, that's it, be prepared!). Fine. I gave her (though I knew it was all over). The least she could do was afford me the "last words/moments" together to justify the relationship. Nothing. Zilch. Then, came the dealth penalty.

Now, if you're treated like that (dirt by the way), are you still going to be friends with her? Hell, no! I realise girls nowadays are dumping guys more for the wrong reasons rather than the other way round. Pity. I just wish I could be as cruel sometimes.

Btw, she's in the same church as me. We see 3 times a week, for the rest of our lives. I tried evading and put her out of my stereoscopic view. One word. Anger. That's all I feel. A deep-seated hatred. Talking about tough post-relationship times huh? Think again.

~HaPpY~ said...

In my opinion, being friend with ex is NO..

When we broke up, he did say that sentence "We are still friend, right?"

I believe most of the couple will say these words when a relation ends.. But who can really do that?

My ex told he wishes I won't be so 'cold' to him and we can just treat each other like 'before'.. (I take that as when we haven't started dating) And I did! Before we started dating, we seldom seldom talk..

I remembered once (after we started dating) when we went to eat with a gang of buddies, he forgot to order the food for me.. er, not really forgot, he just didn't want to.. just because we hadn't announce to any of our friend..

What i really mean here is he treated me this way when we were dating (even though our friends didn't know), how 'hot/warm' does he expect me to treat him now?

The funniest thing is, this year valentine, he asked me out. But i didn't feel like going out on that day (weird, doesn't feel like going out on valentine, haha..). He said he had some serious matter to tell me face to face.. I told him honestly that I didn't feel like going out on that day, guess what he did? He called one of my friend and ask her why didn't i want to go out with him.. My friend questioned me as though it was all my fault.. Is there anything wrong for me to say at home? Hiash.. Maybe I am too sensitive, but I just can't get other reason for a guy asking a girl out on Valentine..

If this happens on you, what do you think? Is there any possibility for you to remain 'Friends' with your ex? Quite impossible huh?

Oh.. And i would like to thank Trisha to bring out such a topic! *^_^*

Anonymous said...

melvin, I agree with you. I agree with Trisha's article last Saturday. I do not want to remain an option "just in case", if "what if" question or mentality arises in her mind.

A long long friendship has been raped and plundered by a girl who is self-centered, arrogant and wants to be treated like a lady for that. People like that ought to be crucified.

Anonymous said...

I am so paranoid.

First I questioned if Melvin was my most recent ex.

Then I read the most resent anon entry and thought it might be my eldest ex.

I know both are damn angry at me... and I think thats the time when parties feel self righteous and angry. Rather than getting on with lives and being happy.

melvin said...

fyi, I've long gotten on with my life, letting go that which is to be, and am exceptionally happy with my situation now. Really.

Being angry is one thing. Knowing how to contain that feeling and channel it constructively is another. While keeping it latent in a passive mode to serve as a gentle reminder/lesson that not only "such" gals exist but to be prepared/learnt of how to react next time (one should remember for the better).

One should never ever harbour such anger actively lest it bogs one down and impede your growth in life. I'm not letting the latter engulf me. I'm not that stupid. The former serves well to strengthen one's guard and principles, keeping things in perspective.

It's simple. People get angry over bad things that wrongfully befall them. You then simply "stay away" from such people knowing their true colors. Do you then feel the same towards everyone else? No. That'll be ridiculous. Coz not everyone's like that. But you're smarter next time coz you know what to "look for" and expect in ppl.

and oh btw, trisha, perhaps you could write about, particularly how guys should react to girls who want to call it off. Normally, guys would try in vain to woo them back but trust me, don't even bother. Just do the following (exactly as they are, in order):
1. Ask "Why?"
2. Ask "Are you sure?"
3. Ask "Is there anything that could be done to turn things around?"
4. (To which she'd definitely say no) Smile, give a nod, end with a decent bye, walk away...and stay away for good. And I mean FOR GOOD.

Just KISS (Keep it simple and short). Don't ever EVER think that she'll change her mind. Don't be hysterical.

Sorry to smear this comments area with such rather inappropriate ramblings (or rantings so to speak). just that the momentum's been made. Might as well keep it going;-)

Boy I've never been happier. The prospect of meeting new people. There are many friends to make out there. Why get all roughened up over some worthless people? The world is big.

Anonymous said...

I guess the thing is Melvin, that I dont believe that these people are worthless.

You thought they were "worth" enough to care about in the first place.

I care deeply about all of my ex's. I think they are brilliant people (not just were). Both those I broke up with and those who broke up with me.

But you are right, sometimes it just is better to walk away. Not because they are worthless, but because they are in your past.

Trisha said...

You guys have certainly brought up some fascinating points. I'll keep your column idea in mind, Melvin : )

Good for all of you who have managed to move on with your lives with no hard feelings. I myself am not that enlightened - unfortunately (I don't speak to one of my exes).

Anonymous pointed out a good thing - exes should be left behind precisely because they belong in the past....


melvin said...

Worthless...hmmm, well, perhaps what I really meant is they're just not worth both your time and attention.

Yeah, I "thought" they were "worth" enough to care about initially, until they rudely and cruelly discredited themselves against me. Perceptions changed.

True, I fell for them. But they were eventually being disrespectful to me. So too bad, you lose my trust. Thing is, something as precious as trust when lost, is virtually impossible to be regained.

Well, all in all, on a lighter note I'll have to say my views and actions were rather highly specific to my aforementioned situation. Just that, my case ended in my hatred towards her. Hence, my resulting reactions were rather extreme.

Hence, I believe others need not go through what I did coz I truly believe (I want to believe) that there could be a "peaceful" way to end it, thus leaving a "cleanly wrapped up" relationship.

I'll have to say it's very subjective and dependable on how it was ended. It's either on a pleasant note or a bloody mess (just like mine).

Nevertheless, if it were to have been the former, I'll still choose to "stay away"...which, at least the dark element of hatred is absent; leaving you a fulfilling and accomplished feeling, unlike the latter.

It's strange sometimes to know the kind of s*** life throws at you. But believe me, the prospect of meeting someone new and better serves to miraculously heal a wounded pride in a way unimaginable to all. If one could only look deeper...

jules said...

The guy told me to still be friends, and told me that he'd be hurt if i'd avoided him, and yet, has made no effort to still remain friends, what kinda friend is that suppose to mean? Frankly, it is not just gals who can be mean but guys too. There was always an 'i miss you' phrase just to get me in bed and an 'i'll see you soon' at goodbye, which kept me hanging by the edge, until i finally wake up one day and realised what a bitch he really was and still is. The final straw was, he's gotten himself another gal 2 weeks after we separated, when he'd claim the utmost faithfulness and sincerity then, when all this while..just a whole bunch of BS

Ash said...

No lah. I don't think you should be friends with your exes. How are you going to move on if you stay in the past and reminisce about what might have been? You can wish them well, and say goodbye cleanly and properly. Then just move on. No point in being 'friends' coz you will never be able to revert back to a friendship once you've been a couple.There are of course exceptions. But in my opinion, very few.

Anonymous said...

I tried it once, it was such a dismal failure I'm hitting myself on the head for even attempting it. He was someone I shared my heart with, I bared my soul to him (yes we were that close). Now that its over I can't find any substance left for a decent relationship.It's very hurtful. Everytime I thought I was fine again, and attempt a conversation with him, I would end up in tears. It's just painful to watch him go on with his life and knowing that I'm far from that.I think the reason why we were still talking was because I was scared, of losing him completely, of never being able to talk to him again. Until one day, when I woke up and realised that I had already lost him, what was the point in holding on? 30 days after not talking to him, I can finally look at myself in the mirror and feel good again.

Crystal Snow said...

Being friends with ur exes? Well, not me. My 2 exes were my hubby's best friends during the boarding school. And guess what? They are still friends. How did i find out? They visited my hubby who was admitted in the hospital and both of them turned up. At the moment I saw both of them, in my heart I said "holy s....". A told me, "what a small world". B added, "U are so fimiliar to me". And my hubby introduced me "this is my lovely wife". Oh dear..

So after they left, I told my hubby about them and he said "okay come on and tell me how many guys in my boarding school that you had dated". Hahahaha.

p/s: I am not sure whether they were talking about me after they left. I really hope not!!!...