Saturday, July 29, 2006

COLUMN: A ball game called love


A) Those beautiful shoes sold out so I couldn't get em.

B) They're axeing the column. All a girl wants is no more. Kaput. And this is the final published entry. Ok so in their words, we're being "put on hold" but bite my ass if that that doesn't mean byebye. Write in and complain if you love us, or pull out the champagne and celebrate if you don't.

Sod's law is that just as we start blogging more regularly, they give us the boot. Still, we plan on maintaining this blog though so please continue to drop round when you're free and tell everybody you know just how fabulous we are. hah!

Love, T & T

All a girl wants...

... is to win in the game of relationships and dating.

What’s that all about, anyway, this ding-donging back and forth between our feelings and their feelings, our actions and their reactions – this need to feel like the ball’s back in our court again in the relationship game?

There are two distinct camps of people on this subject matter. There are the ones who think we should do away entirely with playing games and advocate honesty as being the best policy.
The other group like, and thrive on, playing games. Some in this latter group take it so far as to see the thrill of “playing chase” as being more fun than actually achieving your objective.

Most, though, acknowledge that a certain degree of power play and mind-guessing is needed in a relationship to keep it at a healthy level and prevent either party from getting too complacent.
I’m inclined to agree that we need to play games. I don’t mean we should all start scheming ways of getting men into our lair and manipulating them (though that does sound like fun), only that we need to keep ahead of ourselves.

You’ve got to be a sport and play a good game so that both you and your opponent enjoy yourselves and leave feeling re-energised and raring to go. Playing games isn’t about deception but about understanding the subtleties of what makes your opposite number tick, so that it keeps the adrenaline going.

It’s bit of a balancing act that requires you to negotiate the line between being too available and being too uninterested. Tipping either side of the scale will probably just end up making the other party bored, irritated or both.

Being too keen, too soon, before any dating bells have even begun to sound, kills the excitement. You know the sort – the boys who will always answer your SMS within the minute, ring intermittently throughout the day to check if you’ve eaten, always have good-boy manners and answer all your questions straight up.

These boys are not playing the game, and having the ball in your court all the time starts to feel a bit pointless after a while.

On the other hand, playing too hard to get can result in the other person just throwing up their hands in exasperation and moving on. When you do finally decide you’re going to play fair, it’ll probably be too little, too late, and you just end up looking fickle, or like a player.

Remember, the mind games aren’t about making life difficult for the other person, but to hold your own ground. Being too available too soon signals a sort of desperation and loneliness, but more than that it reveals that you’re too willing to give your personal power away to someone else. That someone else may possibly step all over you as a result.

Are games a waste of time? There will always be those who think that being straightforward is the best way forward. In my younger, more na├»ve days, I used to think so too, but it just doesn’t work. Sometimes you lose out from being too honest – truthfulness often comes across as too aggressive or insensitive, or it turns you into a “yes man”, all too willing to nod along with the other party. Either way, it’s a turn off.

And, by the way, the perimeters of the playing field don’t just dissolve into a white picket fence once you’ve got the guy (or girl) and are living happily-ever-after in the realm of relationship.
Game-playing continues well into a steady relationship – not in terms of deception or cheating, but of making sure you keep back something for yourself, hold on to a few playing cards that could be useful in future.

It’s about preventing either one of you from becoming too complacent or forgetting what made you value that person in the first place. Playing a game in a relationship allows you to hold on to your own identity and your own person.

It means staying as flirty, adventurous and outspoken as you were before. And it keeps the other person in line, for they know they can lose you if they start to get too comfortable and neglect you.

Winning the dating/relationship game isn’t ever about how much you can mess up the other person’s head. To gain the upper hand in the game is to stop yourself from messing with your own head, which we know is more than likely to happen in any relationship.

To win the game is to stay the same person you were before and during the whole big, messy, but totally exciting, dating adventure.


Anonymous said...

hi ya, not trying to bash you girls or your column but I do think that your views of love and dating are too cosmopolitan..very "Sex and the City". If relationships are as you described, then it seems like a pretty bleak world out there ..where we cannot expect truthfulness from our spouse/partner/bf/gf and we're all just playing this big game of "dating" till we settle down.

It's just my humble opinion that, when we play games with the opposite sex.. or date many people till we find the right one, we risk breaking their hearts and at the end of the day, not many hearts are left intact after numerous break-ups and heartaches. It'll be a broken heart that we bring into the next relationship..certainly not an ideal way to start a relationship.

where were the Jane Austen days when love is a very subtle thing? Shown through real concern for the other person's needs instead of fulfiling our own selfish needs? If we're always concerned about covering our own backs when we're in a relationship, we're not giving true love. For true love makes us vulnerable to hurt.

Just sharing my thoughts. you can delete my post if you don't like it. Ta!

Navee said...

hi there! I must first of all confess that I'm not much of a news paper reader...i prefer watching the news- i'm more of a visual person if you know what i mean. But as I was flipping thru the papers t'day, i came across ur column and when i saw that u had a blog, i just HAD to visit it. Kudos mates! can't believe thier "putting u ladies on hold"! i'd love to read more of ur column, but now that there's a blog, woo-hoo! =) keep those posts comin' in!

Trisha said...

Thanks for the support Navee! Now that the column is dead (sigh!) its good to know that there's someone out there who'd still like to read our blog : )

ks said...

This game is much better refer to as 'tackleing' as in I like to tackle that beautiful girl. This keep the whole relationship fresh and scintilating.... even after 3 kids.. it is fantastic to continue 'tackleing'your wife... its great to be alive

monitorlizzie said...

Hey. I've been reading the "All A Girl Wants" column ever since it started, and I love reading it to bits! It is saddening that they're removing the coloumn because it is one of the things I really look forward to in the Weekender section on Saturdays =)I hope you girls continue on writing on this blog. Way to go!

Anonymous said...

Hi. Good art of writing. I'm a guy I do read the relationship problems. This is a good topic where men also gets hurt in the process of ball play when a girl just dumps him just liket that or just leaving him questions thinking what is goin on.

Cheers and keep writing.