Thursday, January 25, 2007

You're So Cool!

I've just discovered a solution for dealing with the male ego. Its what all of womankind has been seeking since the beginning of, well, time.

You need just three little words and you will forever be able to deal with your man and perhaps more importantly, his ego (for those of you who guessed those words to be "I love you" you really to read on since this shows that you have no clue how the male mind works!)

The three magical words are - drumroll please - "You're so cool". Before you scoff at my discovery, please hear me out.

Firstly, I learned about this from a very reliable source of information on the male psyche - a Quentin Tarantino movie. Tarantino, being a man himself (although this fact is up for debate since he looks like a cross between a man and a chimp to me) has written many a script which has been made into many a movie that seems to appeal to men on some kind of primal level and has them whooping and grunting with glee.

If you don't believe me, carry out this experiment:

1. Place a group of men in front of TV set (preferably men aged between 20 and 50, the ones below 20 aren't men yet and the ones above 50 have presumably gained some wisdom over the years and learned what we girls have known all along - Tarantino is an advocate of meaningless violence and should therefore be ignored)

2. Provide beers to each man making sure that the beer to man ration is at least 4:1 (this is to ensure that everyone is relaxed enough to display their feelings since we all know men need alcohol to help them along in this department!)

3.Play a Tarantino DVD (it doesn't matter which one but Reservoir Dogs and Natural Born Killers are good choices coz they're two of the most violent, I checked with The Engineer)

4. Sit back and watch them relish every moment of said movie. They'll inhale every word the foul-mouthed hero/anti hero has to say and savour every second as they watch a head literally roll while they nod their own heads in approval.

I can confidently comment on the above scenario because I have observed, more than once, that a Tarantino movie 'speaks' to a man the way no woman can!

Anyway, I was sort of dragged into watching yet another Tarantino blood fest the other day with The Engineer, The Boss and Girlfriend (who is Boss' wife). It was inappropriately called True Romance . I think True Violence or True Idiocy would have been more apt but hey - that's just me!

Anyway the words "You're so cool" were spoken by the movie's hapless heroine, Patricia Arquette a former prostitute who gets married to one of her clients, Christian Slater.

From what I could tell, Slater was running around the whole time doing really stupid things. He'd go ahead and try to beat up Arquette's pimp even though she's warned him that the pimp is dangerous and quite insane. Then he proceeds to take a large amount of dope that does not belong to him and manages to leave his driver's license at the scene of the crime. That is amazingly stupid but what does Arquette's character say? "That's so romantic" and "You're so cool"

Mind you, Slater's character falls in love with her a little more every single time she says it. Nevermind that his head is thrashed in and that they're running all over the country with some really dangerous criminals on their heels, thanks to Slater's stupidity.

Nevermind that Arquette's face gets all banged up in the process and that Slater's innocent father gets killed. All she says is "You're so cool" and he laps it up! It was absolutely incredible!

Perhaps the part that surprised me the most was when the movie ended and I said, in jest, "I think 'you're so cool' seems to be the answer to every relationship problem." Both the boys present heartily agreed and a discussion ensued as to how pointing out flaws in a man is never going to get a woman anywhere.

So, that's my legacy to all womankind. Whatever dim-witted decision or ridiculous mistake your man makes, ignore your immediate reaction and the first words that come to your mouth which is likely to be "I can't believe you did that, you nincompoop!" Say instead, "you're so cool" and watch the love grow in his eyes! Try it girlfriends. It works!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Death and Email

I've been cleaning out my Yahoo email and here's my advice: It is NOT a good idea let your email accumalate from 2003 to 2007!

I was sitting at the same spot for nearly 5 hours trying to sift through over 1000 emails and now I can't feel my arms. Some emails had pictures and stuff so I had to go through all of them in case I trashed something important.

Frankly, I really don't see how I can possibly trash anything of importance since I obviously haven't missed it all this time. . I should have just trashed everything. What can I say? I was channelling Ms.Paranoia again!

During my exercise in futility, I had a rather morbid thought. What happens to someone's email when they die? I mean no one else can get into the account assuming that nobody knows the password. In other words if you have any important information or contacts on your email, it will be lost once you're dead. Unless Yahoo, Gmail and Hotmail provide special hacking services for the next of kin of the dearly departed.

Either that, or there are thousands of dead emails belonging to dead people floating around cyberspace. How eerie is that?

Okay, its official. I clearly have too much time on my hands!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Life Ain't Fair

Although I've known this for my entire adult life (and about half of my teenage years), it's still a bitter pill to swallow - life isn't fair!

If you think I'm going to cite as an example, a promotion for which I was in line for but undeservedly went to some lazy punk who didn't know her arse from her elbow, you would be wrong (that really did happen by the way but that's not what I'm talking about here). I'm talking about something far more important - the Golden Globe Awards.

I am outraged! No - really!!!

Hellooowww people! Did anyone notice the Enormous Error that occured in the category for Best Performance for an Actor in a Musical/Comedy?

The winner was - Sacha Baron Cohen formerly known as Ali.G and currently known as the funniest man on the silver screen. I say pshawwww!!!!

Don't get me wrong. Borat is funny in a "I like to wash my face with water from the toilet bowl and pick my nose in public" kind of way. In other words, when it comes to comedy, Borat is to crass the way Frasier is to classy.

For those who know me, you know why this is especially a sting because Sacha won when he was up against my favourite actor of all time and one whom I believe takes the art of being a thespian to a whole other level, Johnny Depp (it also doesn't hurt that he's insanely good looking).

Johnny's not only brilliant in Pirates of the Carribean (and almost every other movie he's been in) he has the added advantage of having a face that inspires the audience to want to continue watching the movie as opposed to inspiring the audience to find the nearest loo to throw up in. Alright - maybe Sacha is more disgusting than ugly but you get my drift.

Sigh - what is the world coming to when Sacha Baron Cohen wins a Golden Globe for Borat, no less? Maybe I don't get some hidden artistic value to Borat but if I don't instantly see the artistic value of kissing your sister like she's your lover (his character did this in the movie), I probably never will.

If we can't win on the big issues (environment, animal extinction, world hunger) I would have thought that we could at least get it right on the frivolous ones.

It really is hard living in a world where this

is recognized and rewarded over this

Go figure!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Water and dust are not good bedfellows

It really looks like rebuilding my Zen Bubble isn't going to be as easy as I thought!

Today some of the workers in the apartment building came over to fix a water heater for the kitchen tap. Before I carry on any further, let me tell you that:

1. I never asked for a water heater in the kitchen

2. I don't need a water heater in the kitchen and in fact

3. I actively don't want a water heater in the kitchen

Apparently, a demanding former tenant had insisted that the kitchen tap should provide hot water. The weird thing is that his demands are being met even though he has long since been asked to leave the building - go figure!

Anyways, the workers turn up and start working in the kitchen. Predictably, water splashed everywhere and since they had to use a drill under the sink tons of dust particles and bits of cement were strewn all over the floor. The water and dust mixture formed a ghastly paste which was further spread over the kitchen floor as the workers stepped on it and moved about...

I had stayed out of their way during their time in the kitchen and was blissfully unaware of the chaos until after they left. Grrrrrr!!!!

Since the maid is scheduled to arrive tomorrow, I've spent the better part of my afternoon in close personal contact with my broom and mop.

I suddenly long for the days when my editor used to breathe down my neck wanting to know if my article would be ready before the deadline.

Come to think of it as I hold this mop in my hand, his habit of interrupting my work by sending inter office messages ,every five minutes, actually seems quite charming now!

So much for expat living!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Rebuilding my Zen Bubble

So sorry for the long silence guys - that is if anyone out there is still checking this blog!

The thing is I was away in KL for the whole of Dec and first week of Jan. Just got back to Dar and am dealing with a bitch of a jet lag. I'm also trying to get a handle of this disorienting feeling of coming home and homesickness at the same time!

The flight over was a looooooong one with a 7-hour transit in Dubai. That's right 7 hours!!!

The Engineer and I ended up sleeping on our bags like bums and I finally have empathy for all those poor souls who are caught in the 'purgatory' of Eternal Transit.

Right now, I'm feeling the effects of a month-long holiday that turned out to be about 100 times more hectic than my normal routine here.

I'm in the process of rebuilding my Zen Bubble (i.e cool, calm, inner peace invisible zone) and shall be back writing regularly again once I've 'gotten a grip" , so to speak

Hope you guys had a good holiday season and are not too miserable at having to go back to the same old same old. C u soon...

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Woo hoo!!!! Hope 2007 brings all things you wish for!

Trixie is off in Bangkok and I really got a scare last night when I heard about the bombs going off around the city. The worst part was when I tried to call herand couldn't get through. As the reigning Miss Paranoia I started to totally panic and then realized that the more I thought something bad had happened the more negativity I'd be lending to the situation.

At the end Trixie was her usual happy self and all was well.

It made me realize, all the more, that New Year is not about resolutions and parties (although those are really fun) but its about the people you love.

Its been said many times before but my New Year wish for all is Happiness, Health, Love and Laughter to all of you in 2007!