Monday, September 17, 2007

Celebrities? Not so much!

I've decided to come clean. In the name of honesty, I'm going to reveal a list of celebrities whom I think don't belong in Hollywood because they just-aren't-good-looking-enough (even though tabloids and the general public insist they are!)

Let's face it people, Hollywood and the movies are largely about looks (there are some exceptions like Meryl Streep but you've really got to be a HUGE talent to offset lack of looks!).

Taking this into consideration, I've carefully compiled this list of people who should be in an office somewhere hidden behind a cubicle and not up on the big screen or in the limelight where the rest of us are forced to pay money to look at them. We'll begin with:

1. Renee Zellweger






Let me tell you she did NOT have me at hello. She looked her best in her first movie, Jerry Maguire but even then she wasn't that great looking. She was good as Bridget Jones only because Bridget isn't supposed to be the Miss World type. Sorry to say this but I have a soft toy pig that is a dead ringer for Renee. I think Miss Piggy (the muppet) is marginally cuter and certainly more glamorous.

2. Justin Timberlake

Many a die-hard fan will disagree with me on this but I urge you to look deep into your hearts where the truth resides. Justin started off in the Mickey Mouse Club (already a HUGE turn off) and moved on to 'N Sync with, think about this, tight curly hair and a loony smile. We should all thank the stylist who finally convinced him to lop off those ridiculous curls. At least now with only a thin film of hair clinging to his head we (including Timbers) can try to forget his hair-raising past. Unfortunately, he still sports that loony, decidedly un-sexy grin. He insists he's Bringing Sexy Back - I'm still waiting.


3. Cameron Diaz



Another victim of the Loony Grin Syndrome (she seems to have a Loony Grin perpetually frozen on her face). She was SO hot in The Mask (her debut, I think) but has had nowhere to go but down since then.
Someone must have told her, at some point, that she's got a really wonderful, happy smile and infectious laugh. She's been playing up these 'assets' ever since and I think she's gone overboard because now, she's laughing all-the-time. That girl would laugh if you fell down the stairs and broke both your legs. It may have been infectious once but these days she sounds like she's drowning in a pool somewhere every time she lets out a guffaw (which is often). Meanwhile the years have not been very kind to Cameron and perhaps because she laughs as often as an insane person does, she's got the lines to show for it. Everybody say Botox.

4. Kirsten Duntz

I remember her when she was a little girl in Interview with a Vampire opposite Hollywood Hotties Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. The casting was brilliant and I thought that it was the creativity and genius of the makeup crew that made Miss Duntz look all Dracula-like. Years have passed, she's all grown up and I notice she still looks like a vampire (so it wasn't the makeup after all). She needs a trip to the orthodontist. Those razor-sharp, angular, pointy teeth of hers are doing her no favours in the looks department.
The last person who should be Mary Jane Watson in the Spiderman series, if you ask me. Someone less vampire-like would have been a lot easier on the eye.

5. Daniel Craig






Has no one else noticed that he'd fill the shoes of a thug much better than he could ever fill James Bond's? I thought Bond was supposed to be sexy and suave. I read somewhere that Craig was too short, too blond and too crass to play the role and I couldn't agree more. The man tries hard to get a sultry look going on (refer to pic) but just can't seem to get past his brutish features. Perhaps his acting prowess makes up for his lack of looks but unfortunately for Daniel this is a list about looks not talent.


Alright, that was pretty harsh but I stand by my list and to be honest I didn't do this in the name of honesty. I did it because I felt like being catty. My advice is, when you're in a foul mood, take it out on celebrities. They're rich, they're famous and they don't give an arse coz any publicity is good publicity (or at least that's what I'm telling myself!)

pics courtesy of askmen.com, smh.com.au and mi6.co.uk

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